Hillary Clinton is old news and decades past her recommended shelf life. Want proof? People born in 1992, the year her husband was first elected president, turn 24 this year. That’s old enough to vote and buy alcohol with years to spare. Heck, it’s old enough to start enjoying lower car insurance premiums. (It is not, however, too old to be treated like babies by the government and covered under mommy and daddy’s health plan. Thanks, Obama.)
Time to move on, America. No more Clintons. No more Bushes. And after this election, no more Obamas.
Yet according to mainstream media, Benghazi delinquent Hillary Clinton leads Republican presidential candidate Donald Trump in some polls. To this we respectfully ask, “WTF America?!” Stop being nostalgic. Have you forgotten how awful the 1990s were?
No, we don’t mean the Oklahoma City bombing, Kurt Cobain’s suicide, or the OJ Simpson verdict. Those were tragedies.
We’re talking about everyday awfulness. The period from 1992 to 1999 saw more than its share. In case you’ve forgotten, here’s a list of 10 awful things from the 1990s that Hillary Clinton could bring back if elected president. Don’t say we didn’t warn you.
10. Gangsta Bugs Bunny
Bugs Bunny has been an American icon since his first official cartoon in 1940. While he had undergone minor tweaks and updates throughout the years, it wasn’t until the Clinton era that he became nearly unrecognizable. Just look at what the 90s did to him! Backwards baseball cap. Baggy, backwards jeans. “What’s up, Doc?” became “Yo, wassup, D?”
People today understandably complain about saggy jeans. At least they aren’t worn with the zipper on the ass. Of all the hare-brained ideas!
9. The Soul Patch
The Soul Patch is the facial equivalent of the pubic landing strip. It’s not a beard, it’s a statement. I’m a huge douche.
Furthermore, any hair trend embraced by Billy Ray Cyrus is probably one to skip. He’s the guy, remember, who came to fame coifed in a moisturized mullet.
I’m sure Miley’s Dad will be growing one of those ridiculous lumberjack beards any day now. Sorry if you have one. Shave.
8. Adults Wearing Fashionable Overalls
There’s nothing wrong with overalls if you work on a farm or maybe as a college painter working your way through school. But as hip hop apparel? Football fan gear?
If you’re over five-years-old, ditch the dungarees. Also, learn to button up. Even the Olsen twins managed to dress themselves completely back in the overalls heyday.
Look at that fuzzy nightmare. Look at it. We dare you. Just don’t meet its soulless gaze.
No one can convince us that Furbies weren’t sent to destroy. Why else did they carry knives like the one pictured above?
Okay, so the knife wasn’t a standard accessory. Maybe. That doesn’t mean furbies weren’t plotting our destruction when we slept.
6. Free AOL CD-ROMs for Everyone
The free America Online CD was a genuine scourge of the 1990s. Where there was one AOL CD, there would soon be two. Two quickly became a brood. They multiplied like tribbles on the original Star Trek.The annoying discs arrived unrequested in the mail. They tempted you from cardboard bins at every check-out counter. They were packaged in plastic with every magazine purchase. It got to the point where people started using them for art projects. They. Were. Everywhere.
5. Tonya Harding’s Yucky Sex Tape
In the Clinton years everyone thought they could become a star. Blame the rise of the Internet and home computer, blame the falling price of the camcorder. Just don’t forget to blame Bill Clinton. It was he who gave untalented Americans false hope.In 1992, then presidential candidate Bill Clinton took his saxophone to The Arsenio Hall Show and blew it on national TV. What’s shocking or revolutionary about this? Nothing but the embarrassment. While Clinton played adequately on TV, that’s all he did. Played adequately. Swooning Democrats and media may claim differently, but Slick Willie is an average saxophonist. Had he not been running for president and a liberal, he would never have been invited to play on late night TV.
Herein lies the problem. Bill Clinton’s performance wrongly convinced others that they, too, could be average on camera. Forget modesty! To hell with humility! Here’s the chance to become a celebrity.
What else would give skanky skater Tonya Harding the gall to record a sex tape? Yuck. Just yuck. No one wants to see that except the couple recording it–assuming they don’t sober up first. Ms. Harding gave a whole new meaning to landing a One-foot Lutz. We sure wish she hadn’t.
4. Screeching Dial-up Modems
Click the video above and listen to that technology, will you? That’s the sound of progress. At least progress back in the 90s when a Clinton was first president. Back then people surfed the Internet via dial-up modems connected to landline phones. The recording is what the connection process sounded like. It was awful, unreliable, and frustratingly slow. Imagine getting a busy signal when trying to connect to the web. Then, once you were finally connected, you could download a short video clip in about 8 hours.
If Hillary is elected, we can look forward to a return to the slow old days. On June 29 she copied a page out of Bernie Sanders’ coloring book, How to Pander for Votes. She announced her intention to provide “free” government Wi-Fi. Won’t that be nice?Soon our connections to the Internet could work as well as the Obamacare website at launch.
3. Lorena “the Bobbitizer” Bobbit
As if the surname Bobbitt doesn’t sound silly enough, Lorena Bobbitt did the unthinkable. In 1993 she hacked off her husband’s humidor with a knife while he slept. Then she got into her car, drove around, and tossed the severed sausage out the window. Hilarious, right, guys? Guys? Come back!
According to testimony at trial, Mrs. Bobbitt had suffered ongoing physical and mental abuse at the hands of her husband. An expert witness for both the prosecution and defense confirmed this.
So why didn’t Lorena go to the police before committing manhood-slaughter? Why did she (s)lash out so violently? Why didn’t she ask someone for help?
Maybe she felt she would be turned into a laughingstock.
Consider the previous year. That’s when Betsey Wright coined the term “bimbo eruptions.” Wright, you may remember, was the deputy chair of Bill Clinton’s 1992 presidential campaign. She invented the snide term “bimbo eruptions” to discredit the many women who reported affairs–or worse–with Bill.
Today Democrats are afraid to call a person with a Y-chromosome male. Imagine their outrage and tears if a Republican candidate were to call alleged victims of sexual assault bimbos. That candidate’s run would be over faster than a whooping Howard Dean’s.
Is it any wonder Lorena Bobbitt was driven to take her mister’s matters into her own hands? Thanks to the Clinton campaign, she was probably afraid of being called a bimbo by the president. The poor woman went nuts and then went after some.
2. Dark Lord Jar Jar Binks
Since 1999, no character in the Star Wars universe has been more hated than Jar Jar Binks. Not villainous Darth Vader, not devilish Darth Maul, and not even emo Kylo Ren who killed a character that has been beloved for almost forty years.
Typing “jar jar binks” into Google results in a telling auto-suggestion:
There you have the judgment. Jar Jar Binks ruined Star Wars. Seeing as how the prequel movies were mostly garbage, blaming Jar Jar for ruining the whole franchise seems harsh.
But many SW fans are serious in their contempt for the character. Some have even taken it to a creative extreme. They explain Jar Jar’s awfulness with a wild theory. He is actually a very cunning Dark Lord. Youtube it if you’re interested.
Whether Jar Jar Binks is a mighty Sith or the hapless nitwit he seems, we’re happy he was virtually written out of subsequent films. We hope he never returns.
1. Horny Bill Clinton
The last awful thing from the 1990s on our list is former President Bill Clinton. If Hillary is elected, his return is guaranteed. America won’t be electing its first woman president. It will also be electing its first womanizing First Husband.
It’s rumored that Bill is planning to not have a lot of sexual relations with that or any woman.
Seriously, voters, get it together. November 8th will be here before you know it. America and American culture might not survive another Clinton presidency.